


Never Going Back To Okay

by cordeliadelayne



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel-centric, F/F, F/M, Kissing, Loneliness, Multi, POV Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 03:50:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8129366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cordeliadelayne/pseuds/cordeliadelayne
Summary: Everything changes. Everything stays the same.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Set around 416 – On the Head of a Pin. Originally posted to Livejournal in 2009.

Angels are beings of pure light. They are warm and shimmer with a beauty few human eyes will ever see. When one brushes up against the other it is a feeling that no human body could ever replicate. It is pure and undiluted by other senses. Castiel didn’t realise how much that had meant to him, till he lost it.

To be in the presence of an angel in their true form is to be blessed. To have wings of light settle around you was the most wonderful feeling, next almost to that of being in their Father’s presence, or so Castiel had always assumed.

He and Uriel had shared much together. They had talked, and joked in their own way, and though they had wavered in their opinions of the humans, though their conversations were often fraught with tension, Castiel had always had faith in his brother’s innate goodness.

He remembered Lucifer. Of course he did. They all did, though he had never discussed his disgraced brother with anyone from his garrison, other than in terms of planning his destruction. But then he had never been within Lucifer’s inner circle; he was far too unimportant a soldier for that. He’d watched him of course, from a suitable distance. They all had. He had been truly beautiful. Their Father had not praised him with the name of “Morning Star” without reason. But it did not do to remember such things.

And so of course he should have been prepared for more betrayal. Their greatest conflict had after all been of their own making. And yet he had not been. He supposed Anna or the Winchesters would call it naivete, or being a “dick”.

In Heaven there was no deceit. That is what Castiel had believed for aeons. That their Father and the Archangels were aware of everything that went on. That there was no _need_ for deceit, because how could any angel possibly not wish to follow God’s commands?

And Uriel had always been there. A rock to which he could cling, in Heaven and on Earth. Of all the garrison it was Uriel he had turned to once Anna had fallen. It was to Uriel he had turned to make sense of what being amongst the humans was doing to him. It was Uriel’s soft kisses against borrowed flesh that had calmed his doubts, Uriel’s fingers carding through his hair that had soothed his troubled mind, Uriel’s certainty of purpose that had lent him strength.

At the time Anna’s Fall had not felt like betrayal. He could not understand it, not then, he didn’t have the capacity, or the desire to. Selfishness, such an abstract emotion to him at the time, was a puzzle he mulled over but it was not his place to wonder why Anna had done what she had. He just knew he missed her presence in the same way he now missed the absoluteness he had always believed was part of his angelic purpose. So whilst he had missed her in the abstracted fashion that he wished he could regain, he had not mourned her passing.

And Uriel had been there. Soft wings stroking, whispered thoughts encircling him. He had felt safe. No matter what, he had felt safe with Uriel.

Even on Earth, their essence forced inside constrictions of flesh and bone, Uriel had been there. All the garrison felt that they shared a connection outside of the others, and often left them alone together at the end of briefings. It was the way it was, and there was nothing that felt out of place. No one ever questioned it, at least not in Castiel’s hearing, and he certainly had never felt ostracised because of it. Far from it. Dean Winchester was his charge, an important position for so lowly a soldier as himself, and it gave him a position amongst the garrison he would not otherwise have had.

But Uriel must have been lying to him. Probably from the very beginning. Soft kisses pressed against his neck as Uriel tried to replicate the feeling of joining they had in Heaven, even as he cursed the body he was in, were laced with deceit. The gentle arm on his shoulder was meant to silence, not comfort. The words of censure were not laced with his Father’s love but with his Brother’s anger.

It seemed inevitable that he would turn to Anna. Not just for answers but for comfort. When he looked at her, staring down at Uriel’s depleted body, she had never seemed more beautiful. He had reached out for her, blindly, not knowing what he was going to do. She had just looked at him sadly, and with the same unsurprised expression that seemed to set her apart as Other in this world of humans.

She had turned into his embrace and held him, her fingers running through his hair as they stood there, not speaking, just communing. It was as close to the feeling of divinity as he could get within this body.

“I have to go, now,” she told him, slipping out of his arms. Reluctantly he let her pass, his eyes seeking out the empty vessel on the floor. This must be what mourning felt like.

“Oh, Castiel,” Anna murmured. She raised her hand to his face and turned it towards her. “I can’t be what you need.” Her eyes showed a depth of sorrow no human could comprehend, but Castiel could see the nuances, the want and the sadness of her Grace, shimmering so bright it hurt.

“I don’t know what I want,” he whispered, eyes darting to the world above as if expecting any moment to be struck down.

“And until you do,” Anna began and then shrugged. It was too soon for Castiel to understand his doubts, it was enough that he was having them. But she couldn’t leave him completely without comfort so she leaned up and kissed him, her lips soft against his own. He barely returned it before she was stepping away from him and turning to go. He reached out an arm, to hold her back or say goodbye he didn’t know, but it didn’t matter.

She was gone. And he was left alone.


End file.
